Dinner by Joe
by Red Witch
Summary: When their cook falls ill, the Joes have to cook dinner themselves.


**The disclaimer that tells you I don't own GI Joe has been stolen by ninjas.**

**Dinner By Joe**

"Okay Joes listen up," Hawk called to his fellow Joes in the cafeteria. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. BA can't make dinner tonight."

"So what's the bad news?" Alpine asked.

"It seems he's got a case of indigestion," Hawk ignored Alpine. "He'll be in the infirmary for a day or so." 

"Justice!" Shipwreck raised his fist in the air. 

"What goes around comes around," Mainframe nodded in approval.

"Well be that as it may," Hawk sighed. "There's no one to make dinner."

"Get Roadblock to do it!" Mainframe suggested. "He's the chef."

"Can't. He's on a mission," Hawk sighed. "So I need some volunteers." No one raised his or her hands. "I figured as much. I'd do it myself but I'm a general, not a chef. So here's the chefs for tonight: Shipwreck, Bree, Alpine, Bazooka, Airtight, Falcon and Jinx."

"You put those morons on kitchen duty?" Low Light gasped. "Shipwreck needs a recipe to make ice!"

"Bazooka armed with a knife," Mainframe held his head. "How much does anyone want to bet he cuts himself within a minute?"

"If he doesn't cut his finger off I will be amazed," Alpine rolled his eyes. "Well at least I will be there to supervise him."

"That's' even worse!" Mainframe groaned. 

"Airtight?" Leatherneck yelped. "Hawk remember when you had him make the punch for last year's Christmas party? It ate the bowl and half the table!" 

"Hey Jinx," Falcon winked. "I'm really hot in the kitchen. I can cook like you wouldn't believe!"

"Stow it Falcon unless you wanna get yourself creamed!" Jinx raised a fist at him.

"Bree…cooking?" Doc's face fell. "Stand by the medical unit!" 

"We're all going to starve to death," Dial Tone moaned. "I can see it now, 'G.I.Joe unit dies of hunger. Cobra conquers the planet!'" 

"Oh come on," Bree stood up. "It won't be that bad!" 

"Yes it will," Mainframe moaned.

"No it won't!" Bree snapped. "Come on guys, let's show them what we can do!"

"Couldn't we just have TV dinners instead?" Dial Tone whined. 

"Come on!" Bree led her forces into the kitchen. "Charge!"

"Oh this I gotta watch," Low Light sat back in his chair. 

"Come on Low Light, give them a chance," Lifeline told him. "It may be good."

"You really believe that?" Low Light asked.

"Well, there's always room for miracles," Lifeline muttered.

In the kitchen the Joes were preparing the meal. Polly, Shipwreck's parrot peered over his shoulder as he stirred a stew. "Awk, needs salt," Polly commented. 

"Shut up birdbrain," Shipwreck sneered.

"Hey should that bird of yours be in here?" Alpine asked. "Doesn't that break a few dozen health codes?"

"Awk! I'm cleaner than he is!" Polly cracked.

"You have a point," Alpine laughed. 

"If you don't shut your yap there will be stuffed parrot on the menu!" Shipwreck snapped. 

"You wouldn't!" The parrot squawked.

"Try me!"

"I'll be good," Polly said sheepishly. 

"Okay now Bazooka hand me the yeast," Airtight told him. Bazooka followed orders. "More yeast. Yes about a cup should do it."

"Isn't that too much?" Bazooka asked. 

"Hey we're feeding a whole bunch of people here!" Airtight told him. "Now hand me that kitchen flame-thrower and some cooking sherry will you?"

"Shipwreck's got it," Bazooka pointed to him. "Hey Shipwreck save some for us!"

"Hmmm. Needs more flavor," Shipwreck tested the stew. "Got any wine?"

"Red or white?" Alpine asked taking it out of the refrigerator.

"Both," Shipwreck answered taking the bottles and dumping the contents in the stewpot at the same time. 

"Okay can one of you give me a hand with the chicken here?" Bree asked Falcon and Jinx. 

"I'd rather give him a punch in the nose," Jinx snarled. "Falcon quit fooling around!"

"Aw come on Jinx," Falcon put on a chef's hat. "Don't I look the part? I'm dressed to kill!"

"Yeah and you cook the same way," Jinx said.

"Will just one of you help me with the stuffing!" Bree rolled her eyes. She peered inside the chicken. "Darn it! I think I lost my watch in there!"

"Ow!" Bazooka cried. "I cut my finger!" 

"Um is it a good thing if the spoon dissolves inside the stew?" Alpine looked at Shipwreck's stew.

"Maybe I put in a few too many spices," Shipwreck stared at what was left of the spoon. 

"Aw come on Jinx," Falcon cooed. "Let's mix it up!"

"I'd rather mash a certain potato brain!" Jinx held up a rolling pin.

"Hey does anyone have a flashlight I can use?" Bree asked as she peered inside the chicken. "Boy is it dark in there!"

Outside the kitchen, several Joes listened in. "This does not sound good," Mainframe moaned.

"We're gonna die," Dial Tone whimpered. 

"So much for miracles," Low Light said.

"Maybe someone should keep an eye on them?" Lifeline suggested. 

"OW! JINX DON'T HIT ME!" A scream came from the kitchen.

"Anybody seen my flame thrower?" Airtight's voice broke through. "Oh there it is. Next to the gas stove."

"Be my guest," Low Light told Lifeline.

"Are you crazy?" Lifeline turned pale. "I'm not going in there!"

"I'll do it! Somebody's gotta keep an eye on those turkeys!" Beach Head stormed in. "What the heck is going on?"

"Help!" Falcon raced around the kitchen, covering his head. Jinx chased him with a rolling pin.

"Come back here and be clobbered like a man!" Jinx shouted.

"Somebody help me my hand is stuck!" Bree yelped waving a chicken attached to the end of her arm. 

"Airtight you're not supposed to put dynamite in the mashed potatoes!" Shipwreck shouted.

"Quiet! I'm trying something new! Hey Bazooka! Careful with that flame thrower!" 

"AGGH!" Shipwreck screamed. "My stew is on fire!"

"What the heck is in this oven?" Beach Head asked. "Something's bubbling inside! Airtight! No! Shipwreck put that out! AGGGGGHHH!"

Polly flew out of the kitchen. "Fire in the hole! Run for your lives!"

BOOM! A huge explosion rocked the kitchen. "Uh oh," Lifeline moaned.

Beach Head staggered out of the kitchen covered in mashed potatoes and gravy. "Medic…" He moaned before he collapsed. 

"What happened?" Hawk ran in. He saw several Joes stumble out of the kitchen covered in food and singed.

"We made a mess," Bazooka told him.

"Due to technical difficulties dinner will be postponed," Bree muttered.

"You blew up the kitchen!" Hawk moaned. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Well it's his fault!" Alpine pointed a finger at Shipwreck. "Him and his stupid stew!"

"Me! I'm not the one who put all that yeast in the bread there," Shipwreck pointed to Airtight. "Or used a flame-thrower!"

"Oh yeah well at least he was trying to cook not like a certain someone who had other things on his mind!" Jinx snapped.

"You talking about me?" Falcon snapped. Soon all the Joes were standing around arguing.

"Why did I get out of bed today?" Hawk held his head.

"That's it!" Low Light fumed as he stomped over to the pay phone. "I can't take any more of you clowns! I'll take care of dinner myself!" 

"Low Light what are you doing?" Lifeline asked.

"What we should have done in the first place," Low Light dialed. "Hello? Papa Gino's? I'd like to place an order to go."


End file.
